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gloom

2003-02-19 - 3:21 p.m.

Feeling the pressure to get my fever deliriums off the page.

But I don't know...I'm just not in the mood to write anything. Everything I write seems so trivial, and the world seems so dire.

16 inches of snow this weekend. I got to literally dig my car out with my bare hands. Okay, only two tires worth--but still. It was wild.

Terror alert on high. In my cynical moments, I'm convinced its a plot by Ashcroft. In my excruciatingly cynical moments, I'm convinced there's going to be a massive event and WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!! Seriously. I was looking around my apartment at ALL THIS SHIT, and thinking, this will all be gond. All of it. We have 3 bags packed--cat supplies, clothes, and wedding photos. Everything else I'm making mental preparations to abandon. The dresser I thought I'd hand down to my daughter, the piano and painting from my grandparents, the large wedding photo that was a gift from my parents, the framed and matted photo that everyone signed at the wedding. Not to mention all our beautiful but ultimately useless crystal. It reminds me of that Indigo Girls song--"we own nothing; nothing is ours, not even love so fierce it burns like baby stars; but this poverty is our greatest gift, the weightless of us as things around begin to shift."

And I know if something does happen, the chance that it's going to ruin all my Stuff is pretty damn low. I stand more of a chance of a tornado destroying my place than a terrorist bomb. But that's not the point. There's all this stuff I've built my life around--stuff that's been passed down to me and stuff I always thought I'd pass down. And now I'm looking at it as if it won't be around in 5 years.

I know all my Bohemian buddies are thinking "Get over it, it's just STUFF." But it's not just stuff. It's the tablecloth my mom's best friend picked out for me in France. It's the stuffed otter my husband bought for me on our first real vacation in Monterey. It's the ketubah that legally binds us in marriage.

Will my life go on without these things? Of course. Not even a question. But my home is brighter with them.

 

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Die Entfuehrung
Die Entfuehrung aus dem Serail (The Abduction From
the Seraglio).
Which Mozart Opera Does Your Life Most Resemble?
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