rules of the day

2005-04-14 - 10:15 a.m.

RULES for riding on METRO

1. The poles are for holding, not for full body contact. When you lean up against a pole, that means that 5-8 other people will not have anything to hold on to. Don't be such a selfish asshole, please.

2. When you sit down in a seat, move all the way in. Don't sit in the aisle seat so that no one can sit next to you. This is public transportation: if you are so high and mighty or germaphobic or assy that you cannot bear to sit next to anyone else, drive your car. Don't be such a selfish asshole, please.

3. Don't sit in the middle of the fucking seat. Don't look at me with that attitude, that which says "There is no way a queen like myself can possibly be expected to share a seat. Even though I wear a size two, I need the entire bench to contain my incredibly narcissistic ego." (Corollary to Rule 2)

4. When boarding the bus, have your money out and ready to pay. Promptly, motherfucker. Better yet, just get a SmarTrip card. Don't be such a selfish asshole.

5. When you take public transportation, please remember you will likely come in close contact with others in small spaces. Take a shower. Please do not come on the bus stinking of old urine. If I wanted to smell that enticing aroma, I know several alleys next to the office that will do nicely. Don't be such a disgusting asshole.

6. Sit up straight in your seat. Don't lean against me. Unless we're close personal friends, don't keep your leg touching mine. I don't care if you are a terribly lonely person longing for any hint of human contact. Personal space, fuckers. Don't be such a creepy asshole.

7. Please take your trash with you. If you take one of those free newspapers, fold it up when you're done and take it with you. It is not appropriate to place it blithely on another seat, and then to feign complete and total innocence when someone attempts to take that seat and must now deal with your excess news medium. If you are strong enough to carry it on the train, you are strong enough to carry it off the train. Don't be such a selfish asshole.

8. It's fine to listen to music. But please don't listen to it so loud that everyone else on the train must also listen to it. On the days that I have forgotten my iPod, the last thing I want to listen to is your stupid rap telling me about how all women are bitches and hos. No thank you. Do I blast my Verdi loud enough for the whole train to hear? No, I do not. I figure some people might not like the terrifying tones of his Requiem. I figure, hey, why not show some common courtesy and not force the whole train to conform to my tastes? Don't be such a selfish asshole.

9. A brief conversation on your cell phone is fine. A loud, annoying converstaion that may be heard at the opposite end of the train car or throughout the bus? Keep it to the essentials, buddy. The whole Metro area does not need to know why you were late meeting Karen last night, and where everyone wound up going for dinner, and what you did instead. Save it for your own time. I'm hardly a girl to argue for censorship and repression, but the lines between the public and private spheres are generally there for a reason. Don't be such a loud and selfish asshole.

10. The rule is very simple. STAND ON THE RIGHT, WALK ON THE LEFT. When on an escalator, STAND ON THE RIGHT, WALK ON THE LEFT. When I'm trying to make my train, the last thing I want to do is emulate a Border collie and weave through people standing left and right, willy-nilly, as though I were on some sort of doggie agility course. STAND ON THE RIGHT, WALK ON THE LEFT.

Extra Special Suggestion.
When someone falls down on the escalator and appears stunned, it might be polite to ask her if she's okay. It is not normal to just sit on the escalator after falling. This is usually a sign that one might be injured.

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