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Sometimes I feel like an Edward Gorey cartoon

2005-09-22 - 1:56 p.m.

I've been caught up in an overwhelming sense of ennui, perhaps with some spleen mixed in for good measure. People can contact me individually for details, but all I want to say in a public forum is that I am not where I want to be in a couple areas of my life, and that's crashing into everything else and putting into a Not-So-Great Space. This week has been especially bad, and I'm feeling trapped in my situation. Logically I know I'm not, but the real logistics of effecting change seem overwhelming. Getting out of bed is becoming harder and harder each morning, and the energy it is going to take to change that seems more than I can muster up at the moment. We've had about a month's worth of solid guests, and while I thoroughly enjoyed seeing everyone, the strain of having other people in my home for three and half weeks almost without a break took its toll on me. I need space and time to myself, and that's hard to get when you need to entertain folks and cook and clean for them and hold conversations.

I'm so dramatic. Autumn is coming, and I'm feeling that wildness Annie Dillard describes as "northing," that inexplicable desire to escape and roam the woods, to leave behind civilization and descend to baser instincts, to become a Maenaed. Soon enough winter will be here and "I'll fold my wanderings in," but right now I feel the same restlessness I always feel right before a storm, and its driving me crazy. Northing is worse than spring fever. I'm ready for summer to be over, ready for the pale golden days of autumn and the harshness of winter to begin.

 

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