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2002-07-17 - 1:42 p.m.

More wedding drama. I don't want to go into the specifics, but let's just say that I'm watching myself get forced into a position where I will have to be rude to my family.

For all you single folk out there contemplating marrige, ELOPE! My beautiful wedding is turning into a power play about which family we will choose. Certain people seem unable to grasp the concept that we won't choose either family--we will start a new family that includes both. I am so sad. Two and a half weeks before my wedding and I am SO SAD! I'm marrying the man of my dreams, but certain people in our families can't step back and let this event be about us and our celebration. I really feel like I'm ready to break down and start sobbing. I don't know how much more of this I can handle. Everytime I think I've dealt with a crisis and it will be smooth sailing from here on out, someone else rears their nasty head and gets their feelings hurt and I have to abandon what I want so that everyone is happy at the wedding celebrations. Or at least so that our immediate families are happy.

I'm trying really hard to put on a brave face and forget about all of this, but when I'm faced with insulting people that I love, it gets really hard for me to pretend like I don't care. The one thing I've always been proud to say is that I'm almost never rude. I mean, I feel that that is my one sustaining virtue. I'm not always nice, I'm not always rational, but I'm almost ALWAYS polite. And now I feel like I'm walking a tightrope over sharks trying to be polite to both his family and my family. And I know about weddings--no one ever forgets if they've been slighted at one. So I'll just have to take my family aside privately and explain things to them and hope that people don't become bitter.

I am so counting down the days until this thing is done with. I'm really upset that my wedding has degenerated into people trying to take control, but I'm working very very very very very very very very hard at repressing it since there's nothing I can do without making things worse.

"I do not know which to prefer

The beauty of inflections

Or the beauty of innuendoes.

The blackbird whistling

Or just after."

On another bird note, my favorite mantra--"Be like a bird, who halting on her flight on a limb too slight feels it give way beneath, but sings, sings, knowing she has wings, sings, sings, knowing she has wings."


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